Paul (pauliver) wrote,
Paul
pauliver

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Backpack Retrack

Between my eye infection (Contacts + nap + plane = WHOOPS!) and a preposterous lack of motivation, I haven't really been applying myself at school for the last week. Before I actually felt like I was making a conscious decision not to pay attention in class, but now it's pretty much involuntary. Home isn't much better, either. I've never been able to focus in the afternoon, and now with my eyes bugging me at night there's no real good time. But today I finally got sick of working on late outlines, backdating math homework, and bullshitting my chemistry notebook to a hilarious degree.

I mean, what the hell do I end up with if I don't succeed where I know I can? The thought that I didn't even have the willpower to succeed in a class taught by an cratchety, borderline alcoholic or one that's not even totally calculus? Maybe if I was growing up ten, twenty years ago I'd have the opportunity to never study, never do homework, honestly not give a shit about school, and end up fine. I hear those stories all the time. But that ain't the truth today. Today everyone has to feel like they're not pulling their weight, and just about everyone who seems like they truly don't give a fuck is faking. I know I could never truly let go of my expectations of myself. But I could never let go of what I want to do now either, and just give up my life for a year or two for a better future. I usually just teeter in balance, but I've been feeling myself slipping. And a life seriously slacking off is a fun life, but a life out of balance all the same.

Realizing all of this, I took a nap, jumped in the shower, and emerged ready to cowboy the fuck up and get some work done, only to find my parents had taken my car and my backpack along with it.

So I guess the revolution starts tomorrow.
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